Tungland
- The B-Nut Hall of Fame
"It's not the eatin' toungue, it's the Mao Tse-Tung!"
TungLand, the Hall of Fame for the B-Nut Leagues, opened its doors on January
1, 1994. Located in a remote area of Beijing, China, the first inductee was
the now legendary Don Knotts, who has the annual Excellence in Pitching award
named after him. The maximum number of players allowed in Tungland has been
set at 100. Once that limit has been reached, one player must be bumped out
in order to allow someone else in.
Don Knotts and Mao Tse Tung are permanent, honorary members of Tungland and
do not count toward the 100 player limit.
With the completion of Season #4, there are approximately 250 players eligible
for induction into Tungland, far surpassing the 100 player capacity. The current
list of inductees follows, however it does not include any player leaving
the game after Season #4:
- Don Knotts: Pitcher, known for his tendency to be so wild that there
was a special section behind home plate that was kept clear, so as to protect
the spectators from getting hit with the infamous Don Knotts Wandering Fastball.
Nevertheless, during his career, Knotts managed to critically injure a number
of loyal fans who just had to get as close a look as they could of the hard
throwing phenomenon. Additionally, there was a complete section blocked
off for safety reasons in the bleachers due to damage inflicted from all
of the home run balls hit against him.
- Mao Tse-Tung: Firstbaseman, never played a single game, executed prior
to the start of Bug Nut Season #2. Tse-Tung, an expansion draft pick for
the Moscow Tyrants, was executed along with two of his teammates, who were
believed to be Deng Xiaoping and Chiang Kai-Shek. Tse-Tung was found guilty
of being an imposter because of his association with the two players who
actually were imposters. It was only after his execution that it was found
that Mao Tse-Tung was the real Mao Tse-Tung. In honor of Tse-Tung, and so
that we may never forget the accomplishments he could have had if he were
only alive today, the B-Nut Leagues Hall of Fame has been named TungLand.
- Dick "Tony" Brewer: Outfielder, while on the field during the
Mission on Thunderhead '93 World Championship he collapsed and died of exhaustion
brought on by the AIDS disease. Brewer discovered he had the disease early
in Bug Nut Season #1. Playing for the Tombstone Morticians, Brewer fulfilled
his dreams of playing in the Thunderhead competition, however he was unable
to get a hit in the series before his collapse on the field at the beginning
of the seventh inning in the fourth and final game of the series.
- Dave "D.J." Rudabaugh: Outfielder, murdered inside a local
Tombstone grocery store just 22 games into Bug Nut Season #1. The young
slugger for the Morticians, who was said to have a lot of potential, was
suspected of having an unorthodox relationship with AIDS inflicted Dick
Brewer. This relationship was looked upon in disgust in Tombstone and is
said to have been the reason he was murdered by Sam Wong.
- Fred Sanford: Died of AIDS during Blood Nut Season #2, cremated during
the Mission on Thunderhead '93.
- Joseph "Jim" Zerilli: Pitcher for Chicago, Zerilli was found
dead in the trunk of his gold cadillac after the Chicago Choirboys lost
the Mission on Thunderhead '93 to the Tombstone Morticians. It is believed
Zerilli was a random retaliation by team owners to persuade the remaining
Choirboys to take the championship crown next season.
- Marsha Brady: Shortstop for Springfield, suspected of being a vampire,
played briefly for the Blood Nut League under the name Marcie Thunder. Marsha's
dealings with the undead eventually led to her demise, as she was brutally
murdered by jealous middle sister, Jan. Suspicion about Marsha began after
an incident during Bug Nut Season #1 in which Marsha collided with Berkeley
second baseman Henry Cartier-Bresson while trying to steal second. Bresson
described Marsha's transformation with vivid detail and her life was never
to be the same again. There are still those who believe in Marsha's innocence,
and that Bresson was just bitter and made up the whole story. However, there
is overwhelming evidence to support the vampire theory, such as only playing
in night games, her rancid breath, her sudden ability to hit the ball farther
than stepfather Mike Brady and perennial MVP Wyatt Earp, her decision to
travel separate from the rest of the team (in a coffin), her quest to have
the wooden bat banned from baseball, and her attraction to assistant coach
Alice Cooper. Be she vampire or not, it is clear that Marsha's legend will
live on forever.
- Fab 5 "Phil" Freddie: Outfielder for Las Vegas, knifed to death
by Aaron Oester of Sacramento during bench clearing brawl.
- Ken "Muffin" Mantai: Pitcher for Sacramento, collapsed and
died from overwork during the second game of Blood Nut Season #1. It was
his second appearance in two days.
- Doug "Rag Mop" Mitchell: Pitcher for Sacramento, head was shot
off by Sammy Davis, Jr. in revenge of the Fab 5 Freddie murder.
- Kirk "Guy" Douglas: Career cut drastically short after being
picked up by Washington D.C. during Draft '93. He was murdered the day after
the draft (found floating down the Potomac River).
- Boston "Hal" Globe: Pitcher for Sacramento, beaten and killed
by hometown fans who felt he was not worthy to take Ken Mantai's vacated
pitching slot.
- Ike "Woody" Clanton: Murdered after the Mission on Thunderhead
'93. Backup third baseman for Tombstone and frequently referred to as a
weasel, Clanton had four at bats all season, while remaining in the shadow
of starting third baseman Wyatt Earp. Clanton was believed to have been
killed because of his teasing of the Chicago Choirboys after the Thunderhead
sweep. Teammates and opponents both agreed that he had it coming and no
one mourned his death.
- Arnold Meatloaf: Tragically, problems with his weight and greasy hair
overshadowed his underutilized ability to pitch. Penniless and friendless,
he quietly retired after Blood Nut Season #2.
- Manuel Gallegos: Retired after Blood Nut Season #2.
- Ted Koppel: Retiring after Blood Nut Season #2, Koppel played his entire
career in the shadow of teammate Johnny Carson. On the rare occasion Carson
was unable to play in a game, Koppel, his backup, was still frequently snubbed.
Despite a severe shortage of playing time, Koppel had Hall of Fame numbers
and is so honored.
- Sam "Mayday" Malone: Pitcher for Hollywood, Malone retired
after Blood Nut Season #2. Although he never found his niche as either a
starter, short or middle reliever, set-up man, or closer, he did produce
some of the most impressive stats ever seen in the Hall of Fame.
- Peter Frampton: Retired after Blood Nut Season #2.
- Tom Kidd: Retired after Blood Nut Season #2.
- Mr. Pinner: Although force into retirement after Blood Nut Season #2
because of unproductivity, Pinner was a fan favorite at the Hollywood Park
of Wonders. Pinner is most famous for one quote. After he and teammate John
Travolta painted the town, Travolta, a two-headed freak, kicked an unsuspecting
Pinner in the chin and stabbed him directly in the belly button. As he was
being wheeled away to an awaiting ambulance, Pinner cried, "Why me,
but I've done nothing!" That single quote became a national slang,
similar to "Where's the beef?" Travolta was later supsended for
one game for slapping Pinner around during games whenever either hit a homerun.
- Neil Diamond: Retired.
- Edward Weston: Retired.
- Bea Arthur: Retired.
- Mac Davis: Retired.
- Montgomery Burns: Dead.
- Frank McLaury: Dead.
- Mikhail Gorbachev: Retired.
- Adam Gervais: Retired.
- Edouard Manet: Retired.
- Billy Barty: Retired.
- Alta Ljung: Retired, also known as "Frat House Mama".
- Apollo: Retired.
- Judd Hirsch: Retired.
- Archie Bunker: Retired.
- Johnny Appleseed: Retired.
- Hippocrates: Retired.
- Fred Rutherford: Missing, presumed dead.
- Mr. Gilligan: Missing, presumed dead.
- Floyd the Barber: Missing, presumed dead.
- Otis the Drunk: Missing, presumed dead.
- Gene Simmons: Dead.
- Brett Weston: Retired.
- Edweard Muybridge: Retired.
- Aristotle: Retired.
- Euclid: Retired.
- Galen: Retired.
- Davy Crockett: Retired.
- Dean Martin: Retired.
- Pat Martin: Retired.
- Ted Nugent: Retired.
- Salvatore "Momo" Giancana: Retired.
- J. Keats: Retired.
- Frank Rio: Retired.
- D. Cable: Retired.
- Johnny Carson: Retired.
- Bill Cosby: Retired.
- Michael Landon: Retired.
- Larry Mondello: Retired.
- Paul Strand: Retired.
- Oscar Wilde: Retired.
- J. Davidson: Retired.
- Genghis Khan: Retired.
- Mr. Mean: Retired.
- Aaron Oester: Retired.
- Mike Toth: Retired.
- Ted Norte: Retired.
- A. Travis: Retired.
- L. Wopato: Retired.
- M. Democritus: Kicked out.
- U. Sinclair: Kicked out.
- Tony Orlando: Retired.