Tungland - The B-Nut Hall of Fame

 

"It's not the eatin' toungue, it's the Mao Tse-Tung!"

TungLand, the Hall of Fame for the B-Nut Leagues, opened its doors on January 1, 1994. Located in a remote area of Beijing, China, the first inductee was the now legendary Don Knotts, who has the annual Excellence in Pitching award named after him. The maximum number of players allowed in Tungland has been set at 100. Once that limit has been reached, one player must be bumped out in order to allow someone else in.

Don Knotts and Mao Tse Tung are permanent, honorary members of Tungland and do not count toward the 100 player limit.

With the completion of Season #4, there are approximately 250 players eligible for induction into Tungland, far surpassing the 100 player capacity. The current list of inductees follows, however it does not include any player leaving the game after Season #4:

  1. Don Knotts: Pitcher, known for his tendency to be so wild that there was a special section behind home plate that was kept clear, so as to protect the spectators from getting hit with the infamous Don Knotts Wandering Fastball. Nevertheless, during his career, Knotts managed to critically injure a number of loyal fans who just had to get as close a look as they could of the hard throwing phenomenon. Additionally, there was a complete section blocked off for safety reasons in the bleachers due to damage inflicted from all of the home run balls hit against him.
  2. Mao Tse-Tung: Firstbaseman, never played a single game, executed prior to the start of Bug Nut Season #2. Tse-Tung, an expansion draft pick for the Moscow Tyrants, was executed along with two of his teammates, who were believed to be Deng Xiaoping and Chiang Kai-Shek. Tse-Tung was found guilty of being an imposter because of his association with the two players who actually were imposters. It was only after his execution that it was found that Mao Tse-Tung was the real Mao Tse-Tung. In honor of Tse-Tung, and so that we may never forget the accomplishments he could have had if he were only alive today, the B-Nut Leagues Hall of Fame has been named TungLand.
  3. Dick "Tony" Brewer: Outfielder, while on the field during the Mission on Thunderhead '93 World Championship he collapsed and died of exhaustion brought on by the AIDS disease. Brewer discovered he had the disease early in Bug Nut Season #1. Playing for the Tombstone Morticians, Brewer fulfilled his dreams of playing in the Thunderhead competition, however he was unable to get a hit in the series before his collapse on the field at the beginning of the seventh inning in the fourth and final game of the series.
  4. Dave "D.J." Rudabaugh: Outfielder, murdered inside a local Tombstone grocery store just 22 games into Bug Nut Season #1. The young slugger for the Morticians, who was said to have a lot of potential, was suspected of having an unorthodox relationship with AIDS inflicted Dick Brewer. This relationship was looked upon in disgust in Tombstone and is said to have been the reason he was murdered by Sam Wong.
  5. Fred Sanford: Died of AIDS during Blood Nut Season #2, cremated during the Mission on Thunderhead '93.
  6. Joseph "Jim" Zerilli: Pitcher for Chicago, Zerilli was found dead in the trunk of his gold cadillac after the Chicago Choirboys lost the Mission on Thunderhead '93 to the Tombstone Morticians. It is believed Zerilli was a random retaliation by team owners to persuade the remaining Choirboys to take the championship crown next season.
  7. Marsha Brady: Shortstop for Springfield, suspected of being a vampire, played briefly for the Blood Nut League under the name Marcie Thunder. Marsha's dealings with the undead eventually led to her demise, as she was brutally murdered by jealous middle sister, Jan. Suspicion about Marsha began after an incident during Bug Nut Season #1 in which Marsha collided with Berkeley second baseman Henry Cartier-Bresson while trying to steal second. Bresson described Marsha's transformation with vivid detail and her life was never to be the same again. There are still those who believe in Marsha's innocence, and that Bresson was just bitter and made up the whole story. However, there is overwhelming evidence to support the vampire theory, such as only playing in night games, her rancid breath, her sudden ability to hit the ball farther than stepfather Mike Brady and perennial MVP Wyatt Earp, her decision to travel separate from the rest of the team (in a coffin), her quest to have the wooden bat banned from baseball, and her attraction to assistant coach Alice Cooper. Be she vampire or not, it is clear that Marsha's legend will live on forever.
  8. Fab 5 "Phil" Freddie: Outfielder for Las Vegas, knifed to death by Aaron Oester of Sacramento during bench clearing brawl.
  9. Ken "Muffin" Mantai: Pitcher for Sacramento, collapsed and died from overwork during the second game of Blood Nut Season #1. It was his second appearance in two days.
  10. Doug "Rag Mop" Mitchell: Pitcher for Sacramento, head was shot off by Sammy Davis, Jr. in revenge of the Fab 5 Freddie murder.
  11. Kirk "Guy" Douglas: Career cut drastically short after being picked up by Washington D.C. during Draft '93. He was murdered the day after the draft (found floating down the Potomac River).
  12. Boston "Hal" Globe: Pitcher for Sacramento, beaten and killed by hometown fans who felt he was not worthy to take Ken Mantai's vacated pitching slot.
  13. Ike "Woody" Clanton: Murdered after the Mission on Thunderhead '93. Backup third baseman for Tombstone and frequently referred to as a weasel, Clanton had four at bats all season, while remaining in the shadow of starting third baseman Wyatt Earp. Clanton was believed to have been killed because of his teasing of the Chicago Choirboys after the Thunderhead sweep. Teammates and opponents both agreed that he had it coming and no one mourned his death.
  14. Arnold Meatloaf: Tragically, problems with his weight and greasy hair overshadowed his underutilized ability to pitch. Penniless and friendless, he quietly retired after Blood Nut Season #2.
  15. Manuel Gallegos: Retired after Blood Nut Season #2.
  16. Ted Koppel: Retiring after Blood Nut Season #2, Koppel played his entire career in the shadow of teammate Johnny Carson. On the rare occasion Carson was unable to play in a game, Koppel, his backup, was still frequently snubbed. Despite a severe shortage of playing time, Koppel had Hall of Fame numbers and is so honored.
  17. Sam "Mayday" Malone: Pitcher for Hollywood, Malone retired after Blood Nut Season #2. Although he never found his niche as either a starter, short or middle reliever, set-up man, or closer, he did produce some of the most impressive stats ever seen in the Hall of Fame.
  18. Peter Frampton: Retired after Blood Nut Season #2.
  19. Tom Kidd: Retired after Blood Nut Season #2.
  20. Mr. Pinner: Although force into retirement after Blood Nut Season #2 because of unproductivity, Pinner was a fan favorite at the Hollywood Park of Wonders. Pinner is most famous for one quote. After he and teammate John Travolta painted the town, Travolta, a two-headed freak, kicked an unsuspecting Pinner in the chin and stabbed him directly in the belly button. As he was being wheeled away to an awaiting ambulance, Pinner cried, "Why me, but I've done nothing!" That single quote became a national slang, similar to "Where's the beef?" Travolta was later supsended for one game for slapping Pinner around during games whenever either hit a homerun.
  21. Neil Diamond: Retired.
  22. Edward Weston: Retired.
  23. Bea Arthur: Retired.
  24. Mac Davis: Retired.
  25. Montgomery Burns: Dead.
  26. Frank McLaury: Dead.
  27. Mikhail Gorbachev: Retired.
  28. Adam Gervais: Retired.
  29. Edouard Manet: Retired.
  30. Billy Barty: Retired.
  31. Alta Ljung: Retired, also known as "Frat House Mama".
  32. Apollo: Retired.
  33. Judd Hirsch: Retired.
  34. Archie Bunker: Retired.
  35. Johnny Appleseed: Retired.
  36. Hippocrates: Retired.
  37. Fred Rutherford: Missing, presumed dead.
  38. Mr. Gilligan: Missing, presumed dead.
  39. Floyd the Barber: Missing, presumed dead.
  40. Otis the Drunk: Missing, presumed dead.
  41. Gene Simmons: Dead.
  42. Brett Weston: Retired.
  43. Edweard Muybridge: Retired.
  44. Aristotle: Retired.
  45. Euclid: Retired.
  46. Galen: Retired.
  47. Davy Crockett: Retired.
  48. Dean Martin: Retired.
  49. Pat Martin: Retired.
  50. Ted Nugent: Retired.
  51. Salvatore "Momo" Giancana: Retired.
  52. J. Keats: Retired.
  53. Frank Rio: Retired.
  54. D. Cable: Retired.
  55. Johnny Carson: Retired.
  56. Bill Cosby: Retired.
  57. Michael Landon: Retired.
  58. Larry Mondello: Retired.
  59. Paul Strand: Retired.
  60. Oscar Wilde: Retired.
  61. J. Davidson: Retired.
  62. Genghis Khan: Retired.
  63. Mr. Mean: Retired.
  64. Aaron Oester: Retired.
  65. Mike Toth: Retired.
  66. Ted Norte: Retired.
  67. A. Travis: Retired.
  68. L. Wopato: Retired.
  69. M. Democritus: Kicked out.
  70. U. Sinclair: Kicked out.
  71. Tony Orlando: Retired.
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